Talk about Jungle pants, I'm trippin' on kool-aid and
spatial recognition software! Man, that's dope. Anyway, I'm sure you
understand the incoherence of my drivel well enough to expect a
dissertation on dancing mushrooms. But you're not getting any such
thing. Instead, you're getting a gift card for some obscure restaurant
that includes bacon with every meal. Even the bacon is seasoned with
bacon.
I can smell your arteries clogging already.
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being good at things. And that's a fact. For instance, just today, I was sitting there with my coffee, which I don't drink. And my friends walked up and said, "Gee Wilkerson, Humphrey! You are very good at sitting there with coffee which you don't drink! Have a scone!" So I said, "My name's not Humphrey." And they said, "Can we call you Ishma--" "No," I replied. That's when a bus came and ran over someone's lawn gnome collection. He shook his fist dramatically as the bus drove into the sunset and burst into flames. My friends and I decided that the next logical step would be to eat chips of sawdust at Starbucks.
If you swing the tables around enough, the tops come off and careen wildly into random pedestrians. Because we are in a car, and all the screws are loose. That's why I'm wearing a scarf in the middle of summer -- to catch the tabletops as they fly from our car and into the unsuspecting townspeople. I live in Nerdville, so the fact that there are actually people outside, walking, is more than miraculous.
ATTENTION: WE ARE ALL FAT AND ARE GOING TO DIE! Except for famous people. They are, by default (and photoshop) not fat or dead. Ever. Elvis Presley. See what I mean?
Here's what I think:
And here's what I say: Let's eradicate all famous people. With monkeys. Think about it. Monkeys are evil. Famous people are evil. Thus, all famous people will start a war with monkeys, which are evil, and since their intellect is practically the same, both sides will destroy each other. But even if they don't, then either the famous people or the monkeys will become extinct. So it's a win-win.
I can say these things because I am not famous. I am infamous. And illegal in like thirteen different states, including the state of illegality. Thus, I exist in a paradox. Flirpception? ...You know that's right.
Do you get it? Huh? HUHHH?...Nevermind. NEVERMIND IS A REAL WORD, MR. SPELLCHECK. C-H-E-C-K. There. I spelled check. Happy? Good. If a zombie invasion occurs, you'll be a happy meal. And I will move to the moon, where I will begin my own chain restaurant that caters to all races of dirt. I will make a killing. And then I will kill everyone. Ever. E. One. In the universe, ever. Jerks. Let's all put on our dance pants and do the spicy salsa with Dr. Doctor, Doctor. Man these cheese cubes are ticklish. You should do something about that. Here, use this grape. But grapes grow on vines, so we'll need a frozen spatula, otherwise we'll never pry the babies off the wall. And finally, the verdict arrives on a silver platter with bells on and your great-grandfather's great grandfather clock. I wonder how the old geezer is doing these days. Let's dig him up and find out.
Okay, let's face it. If you've read this far, you're really determined to finish this post, huh? I should reward you with a cookie or something. Maybe a pumpkin. You can put it on Pumpkin Island, where the common folk dip their noses in melted chocolate just to spite the porridge fairies.
Ew, another plump news anchorwoman just barged through the door and got splinters all over the carpet. Good thing this isn't my shower. I'm going to crawl through the air vents and end up in your kitchen sink. Now it's a party.
The bumble bees have discovered their own toes and now cows are releasing the winds of destruction. Guard the cities and hide the children in the dumpster. This means war. And I'm fairly certain she'll be collecting other people's breakfasts 'cause she really doesn't know the difference between girls and other girls. But that's okay, because we have plenty of marshmallows to go around and over and under and occasionally INTO THE ABYSS but not usually.
Kick Susan.
I can smell your arteries clogging already.
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's being good at things. And that's a fact. For instance, just today, I was sitting there with my coffee, which I don't drink. And my friends walked up and said, "Gee Wilkerson, Humphrey! You are very good at sitting there with coffee which you don't drink! Have a scone!" So I said, "My name's not Humphrey." And they said, "Can we call you Ishma--" "No," I replied. That's when a bus came and ran over someone's lawn gnome collection. He shook his fist dramatically as the bus drove into the sunset and burst into flames. My friends and I decided that the next logical step would be to eat chips of sawdust at Starbucks.
If you swing the tables around enough, the tops come off and careen wildly into random pedestrians. Because we are in a car, and all the screws are loose. That's why I'm wearing a scarf in the middle of summer -- to catch the tabletops as they fly from our car and into the unsuspecting townspeople. I live in Nerdville, so the fact that there are actually people outside, walking, is more than miraculous.
ATTENTION: WE ARE ALL FAT AND ARE GOING TO DIE! Except for famous people. They are, by default (and photoshop) not fat or dead. Ever. Elvis Presley. See what I mean?
Here's what I think:
And here's what I say: Let's eradicate all famous people. With monkeys. Think about it. Monkeys are evil. Famous people are evil. Thus, all famous people will start a war with monkeys, which are evil, and since their intellect is practically the same, both sides will destroy each other. But even if they don't, then either the famous people or the monkeys will become extinct. So it's a win-win.
I can say these things because I am not famous. I am infamous. And illegal in like thirteen different states, including the state of illegality. Thus, I exist in a paradox. Flirpception? ...You know that's right.
Do you get it? Huh? HUHHH?...Nevermind. NEVERMIND IS A REAL WORD, MR. SPELLCHECK. C-H-E-C-K. There. I spelled check. Happy? Good. If a zombie invasion occurs, you'll be a happy meal. And I will move to the moon, where I will begin my own chain restaurant that caters to all races of dirt. I will make a killing. And then I will kill everyone. Ever. E. One. In the universe, ever. Jerks. Let's all put on our dance pants and do the spicy salsa with Dr. Doctor, Doctor. Man these cheese cubes are ticklish. You should do something about that. Here, use this grape. But grapes grow on vines, so we'll need a frozen spatula, otherwise we'll never pry the babies off the wall. And finally, the verdict arrives on a silver platter with bells on and your great-grandfather's great grandfather clock. I wonder how the old geezer is doing these days. Let's dig him up and find out.
Okay, let's face it. If you've read this far, you're really determined to finish this post, huh? I should reward you with a cookie or something. Maybe a pumpkin. You can put it on Pumpkin Island, where the common folk dip their noses in melted chocolate just to spite the porridge fairies.
Ew, another plump news anchorwoman just barged through the door and got splinters all over the carpet. Good thing this isn't my shower. I'm going to crawl through the air vents and end up in your kitchen sink. Now it's a party.
The bumble bees have discovered their own toes and now cows are releasing the winds of destruction. Guard the cities and hide the children in the dumpster. This means war. And I'm fairly certain she'll be collecting other people's breakfasts 'cause she really doesn't know the difference between girls and other girls. But that's okay, because we have plenty of marshmallows to go around and over and under and occasionally INTO THE ABYSS but not usually.
Kick Susan.
thou doth believith you are crazith... but for some reason I love to read these. there just entertaining. oh and i need a new pancreas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just sayin' oh and just as a side note... you have no life. ohhhhhhhh and looking at that toast makes me hungry!!!
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