Sit On An Elderly

The marshmallow is actually caressing my face. What a pleasant surprise. Let us frolic. Through the meadow! But quickly, for the meadow is on fire. Once, after first grade, when everybody was trying to kiss the fire alarm at the same time, my Spanish teacher burst from a manhole and began to tango with a conveniently located homeless person. In response, we all swiveled our hips in unison. To this day, I cannot understand basic mathematics. Fortunately, I've got this here ticket to a toast-petting competition. The grand prize is polio.

I met a girl once, and I decided she was probably female. She asked me politely, "How are you today, Mr. Reagan?" and I said "Viscous." She giggled, and I threw a chair into the basement, where said chair proceeded to sit on an elderly. Apparently, that is not how chairs work. Also, that girl is still female! She's a business associate; she likes to associate businesses with things. I know this because we ate lunch together. She glanced at a bottle of ketchup and began to flail her arms in the air, wildly. "DEPENDS!" she exclaimed. I laughed and jumped into the window, which was apparently bulletproof and also human-proof. It doesn't matter how many times you shoot a human out of a cannon and into that window -- the glass will remain intact. That's because it's made of swag.

Let's be honest. Telling someone that your favorite song is "Pants on the Ground" will probably give off the wrong impression. Now let's be dishonest! Barbara Streisand.

In some cultures, a monkey's brain is considered a delicacy. That means it's delicate. You can't touch it or it will break, much like the world record for rolling around in puddles of Welch's grape juice. I drink beverages a lot, in a glass, with ice, except instead of ice, I use croutons. Sometimes I throw magazines at patients lounging in the waiting room, and then I hide under the chairs conspicuously. The staff has called the mental health department eighteen times in the past three minutes -- they won't pick up because they are too busy texting their girlfriend. Yes. Just one.

I know how gum works.

I ran around Europe with a moldy swastika, which was really a living organism in its own right, much like my refrigerator. Peasants protested the monarchy because apparently they weren't allowed to eat cake. I would tell someone to let them, but I have a strange feeling I'd end up losing my head. Mimes have French accents when they don't speak.

I think it was like, 1912 when I flipped a light-switch and accidentally sank the Titanic. My bad. It wasn't the light-switch I thought it was. It looked exactly the same, except the words "Prankster Central" were printed across the top. I don't get it. On the bright side, the captain got blamed for it, mostly, because I loaned him a jug full of compact discs. I video taped doctored footage of somebody filming something, and he loved it so much that he showed his wife a picture of a whisk. That's not totally my fault, although I am offering free autographs in the lobby, plus a complimentary subpoena.

I refuse to wear those fabulous pumps.