Work It, Because Wagons

I eat out of an exhaust pipe. Let's all swim giddily in raw sewage. I love it. I LOVE IT. Who do you want me to shampoo? That guy in the elevator? I hate that guy. He didn't just fall off the wagon. He jumped off he wagon, with both feet, and then he pushed the wagon off a cliff. Worst pioneer ever.

It was the bottom of the ninth, I was facing a seven-ten split, and my racket was completely broken... and on fire. I swung my golf-club and sent the football flying, but then the goalie jumped up toward it! An instant later, the goalie fell to the court, because gravity was working that day, and he wept because he did not have the football. Nay, the precious ball had got caught on midair. Not in midair. On it. Things typically do not snag on air, so it took a whole day for the referees to figure out how to dislodge the football from the surrounding oxygen, nitrogen, and the small percentage of carbon dioxide.

That, of course, has nothing to do with sports. I was speaking in code. Everything that contained a letter means "banana." I still can't read.

 I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing with this jackhammer. Well, so am I. Come to think of it, where am I? When am I? Why am I? Ooh, deep. You cannot fathom the fathoms of the Ocean of Mashed Potatoes. But you can eat them. Unfortunately, you lack both a spoon and a consciousness. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir. And take your elderly dwarves with you. They smell as if they've been frolicking in meadows of donkey hair.

Earlier today, I saw a guy planking on somebody's car. The owner of said car walked up and demanded he leave, but all he did was toot and giggle in Swahili. I think he just wanted a cup of Joe, who unfortunately wasn't around at the time. On the other hand, it never would have worked out anyway, since Joe is usually not made of liquid. So, the car's owner simply conceded, and by that I mean he used a sponge mop to push the foreign guy off his car, and then he drove away. I was going to help the foreign guy stand up, but I noticed I had a bucket of popcorn in my hand, so I just threw it at him and left.

Four hours and sixty minutes later, I had a conversation with

Jack Sparrow: Flirp, you need to get a job.

Flirp: What is a job?

Jack Sparrow: It is a thing you should get.

Flirp: Oh. Okay...What do I do once I get it?

Jack Sparrow: Work it.

I found a toupeé in my ear.